What do you do when bikini season starts?

They told you growing up. “Once you get to a certain age, all those insecurities you have as a teen will vanish into thin air.” They told you that you wouldn’t care if you had a little love handle left or right or that bit of belly flap to hang over the edge of your tiny bikini pants. They told you that, didn’t they?

Well none of it is true. While I am way past the teenage stage I still have those insecurities. Really. Part of me realizes it is a lost cause, but I will never be able to stand next to a gorgeous 18-year old and think ‘what the heck… I don’t care you look fabulous and I look like an elephant trying to fit into a bikini. ‘ It just ain’t gonna happen.

Bikini terror in full swing

I still want to look like an 18-year old. Well, deep down I want to. It is not something I confess to but every summer of each year I wonder if I will be in time to lose those extra pounds (which are now extra kilo’s and more than a few..) or if I will just resign to lounge in the garden and avoid the beach like the plague.

I’m trying to think back to the time I was 18. Never confident though, not even at that age, while looking back I had nothing to complain about. I looked pretty ok. Strong, athletic and never really thin but still pretty good. At that time I didn’t think so. My legs where too big (I was a runner), my boobs too small (I was a runner) and my waist was too narrow for my behind. (meaning that all jeans never fit right)

Did I think that ‘older women’ that I saw at the beach trying to catch some sunshine looked ok? Or did I think more along the lines of ‘jeeezzzz, I hope I look better when I ever get to that age?’ Let’s face it ladies and gentlemen: that is what teens think when they look at our middle aged bodies. You better realize it. Not fun, I admit it, but it is the harsh truth of the matter.

Ah you mean bathing suit season?

Now I usually am only seen in a bathing suit (yes, yes, bikini is definitely not happening anymore!!) when we’re on vacation. That is a safer area as it concerns an area far away from home with people I am likely never to see again. There’s that. Plus when we’re on vacation there is a weird phenomenon taking place.

Holiday routine takes over

On day 1 I hesitate taking off the clothes on the beach. I might even fake not wanting to go in the water just yet out of fear of exposing my white and overweight body to the onlookers. Eventually I do and I survive. On day 2 it goes a bit better. I’ve seen the other beach people and they look ok. And by ok I mean they are not overly thin or gorgeous. They’re ok. They’re not scary. And as the days go by I start to relax. I realize that everyone has their own pros and cons when it comes to body types. I see people with big bums and beautiful upper bodies and vice versa, and everything in between. We meet a few people here and there and before the vacation is over I realize it really doesn’t matter one single bit how you look. It is who you are as a person that will eventually make the difference.

So I go home all glowing, tanned and confident. Feeling ok with my body and what it can do. I laugh about that bit of belly fat or those slowly sagging but cheeks. It’s what it is and at the end of the day we all face the same faith unless you find a really good plastic surgeon. And I am certainly not going to have anyone cut into me for the sake of beauty. That is just a think I will never understand. So I accept who I am and where needed try to make the best of things (but losing those few extra kilo’s for one. It’s healthier too!)

And that feeling might last me all the way into winter. But at some point spring arrives again and bare body season is upon you without a warning. And you’d think you might have learned from previous seasons but hell no, the fun starts all over again.. 🙂